Thursday, April 21, 2011

Dating in the puddle of life

Having recently become single again, I've realized at the ripe-old age of 44, that dating truly sucks.

Why can't relationships just work out? I was perfectly happy with what I had, and frankly if the other person weren't such a stubborn-doesn't-know-a-good-thing-when-he-sees-it-meathead, I wouldn't be here right now trying to find some other meathead who does know a good thing when he sees it.

Oh, and the word "meathead" is a term of endearment; I assure you.
So my dating pool has become a puddle, and we all know what happens when you dive into the shallow end.

When I was in my twenties the chances and places to meet someone was unlimited. The days were numerous. I had Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights to meet Mr. Right or, at least, Mr. Right Now.

The world was full of twenty-somethings, the opportunity for love was everywhere, and I was at the top of my game!

I was so eager, optimistic, and hopeful. The world was my oyster, and a pearl could be discovered at any given point. How could I lose?

I didn't look at the passing weekends as one closer to my thirties until devastation hit; the day I turned thirty.

That's when dating took a serious turn.  I dated with purpose. No wasting time on college-aged men. Oh no. No more of those young, wild and carefree men.  They became too young for me, and I was introduced to a new category of men; the older divorced male. It was at this point when dating made me feel old.

Reality hit me in the face like a brick wall. My time and looks were precious (not to mention limited) and I didn't want to waste them on just any guy. I had wants now. I had needs.

See how the pool turns into a puddle? Waddle, Waddle.

So to try and keep the puddle from completely drying up, I am forced to utilize the dreaded online dating.

Am I embarrassed? Quite so. I think to myself; What the hell am I doing on here? I'm not desperate like the other people who need to online date!

Yet, here I am.

 Trying to find love, friendship, happiness, or any other discreet or indiscreet activity at the click of a mouse.

Some call it shopping, fishing, harmonizing, figuring out if it's "our time", or swiping left or right depending on who you are and which site you're on. 

To me, online dating is like shopping at a thrift store for that 'treasure'. Something of value that was donated accidentally and I was the lucky girl to find. Like stumbling across an Ann Taylor dress pant in my size with the tags still intact. However, when I try them on, they either ride up my crotch or are way too short.

Which is why they are there in the first place.

For those of you who haven't tried this avenue of dating, anyone can scroll through hundreds of photos and profiles to see what attracts them. Then, with a "wink", a "flirt", or that ever-awkward "ice breaker" introductory e-mail, the love arrow has been shot.
Most of the time it usually bites me in the ass - but I digress.

Lately, all I've found are men who seem to think that all they need is a good profile title to win a lady's heart.

Here are some that I have had slip through my fingers:

"SpicyHero". He sounds like a lunch that will give me heartburn.

"Leftbygypsies". Really? I'm sorry you weren't loved by your parents.

"Whatifcliff". Seriously? What if what? Why would I want to date a guy who is in constant conflict with himself?

"Stoogeman". Shockingly, still available.

Then, there's the creme de la creme, the one that made my heart skip a beat;

"BigBalls1964". Oh yeah, baby. This is the one. The Big Kahuna. The end all; be all, of men. However, this makes me want to call a doctor. Elephantitis is not something to fool around with.

I don't want to give online dating an entirely bad rap. Even though I haven't made a 'love connection', I have gained some really great friendships with very supportive men who make me laugh on a daily basis.

So, as I continue the ever changing dating adventure, I'm still optimistic that someday I won't have to use the old cliche', "I shaved my legs for this?"

Until then, I'll keep on doing what I do; take care of my kids, strive to meet my goals, surround myself with great friends, and live my life to the fullest. And if someday I happen to bump into someone who wants to waddle along with me in the puddle of life; all the better.


  1. hysterical, thanks for making my day Lisa!

  2. I loved it!
    You held back some of the big words for readers like me. Your analogies are dead on and yes I know it.....
    You deserve a column - and a reason to bust out thar razor.. see u Wed.